Note to the Lost Friend.

This is possibly the worst of the deal - the loss of friendship.

I miss you, friend. Tell me please, when it is safe again to meet, and play again.


Meanwhile, rest, and heal. For the road is long, and we all need each other to make the journey good. Return, please, and soon.

"No."

And so I stepped out, to meet a friend for lunch. The sky reflected how I felt inside - almost raining but not quite there - even the winds are still.

It's harder to breathe, today.

It must be the weather. It's tough missing a friend like this, made worse by having nothing more explanatory than "God said..."

Will it ever be enough? It should, but right now it sounds hollow even to my ears. Inadequate.

God says, My grace is enough. He says all who hope in Him shall not be ashamed. He says He will never leave you nor forsake you.

God said... God said no.

"No" never felt so heavy. Is this the carrying of my cross that my pastor spoke about in the Sunday past? Obedience without an answer. Faith without understanding.

I didn't expect it to come so soon.

It's raining with gusto now, and I'm caught in it. But perhaps I have time to sit and wait, this time.

God Said No.

It's difficult, this morning, at the end of the year 2012.

I hadn't expected it to end this way. I thought it might've ended with a hand to hold and a nice someone to grin at.

And God said no.


It's heartbreaking, both ends.

And I shall continue on, later.

Morbid Wabbit, Funny Bunny.

This morning, I watched my drummer friend perform on on the cajon the stripped-down stage in church. The way he played was full of easy experienced grace - you know a person can perform in his sleep with that kind of grace.

I watched his professional, careless drumming, his own watching of the audience, observed his funny-strange eyebrows while he tap-tapped on the boxy instrument and I sang the carols, and thought - what if I died tomorrow?

What if I died tomorrow, and I can't see my friends anymore? The people I sing, play poker, joke, laugh and be grouchy with - the people I so love but can't tell, because it'd just be weird.

I peered at my other friend behind the keyboards shimmering the notes into a cocky, jazzy tune.

I considered the friends I know are sitting in church but can't see, and the people outside of this church who I also can't see, all of whom I love.

What if I really cannot see them anymore?

Since my schooling days I would tell my friends I love them and once in a while, tell them it's lovely having them with me. Of course, they would accuse me of being "transient" - with air quotes - and I would smile a half-smile. But isn't that real? Nothing lasts forever: not looks, not health, not me, not you - except it's not transcience: it's forever. We are but a speck in that big, vast river of time that is forever, aren't we?

I'd be here today and gone tomorrow, and these words I now write may well be the very last words I write to you.

...it is precisely because of this that I decided to fully experience the full three years I had in college. It was a deliberate decision and took constant awareness to be in the situation and feel the process. It was good at times, bad in some, but I always felt joyous that I could be there at that moment to just take, and grow. It was only three years, but I knew I will never pass that way again.

And I haven't, since.

--

People sometimes say things like "you haven't truly lived until you've [leapt off a plane/watched Superbowl live/been to Vegas]."

I think that one hasn't truly lived, when one hasn't smelt the air, felt the wind, eyed the golden dust motes in the sunlight and walked the marble/garden/concrete/parquet that has already been given to you. Ostentatiously given, to you. You could be at frontline of the Superbowl and you'd've missed it all.

And you haven't truly lived if you haven't enjoyed the people who hurried past you, ate near you, read near you, laughed, cried, argued, fought - with, at, against you.

All of this.

What if you suddenly have to go to a better Elsewhere with the best Someone and can't take your phone with you?

I know I'd be excited to leave, but I know I'll miss you.

...if I were to go before you do, know, please, that I'll be preparing your ascent with confetti, a whole heaven of confetti for your arrival*. I want you to know that I have enjoyed your presence and company, your part and path in my life, even if you have done me wrong, because you helped me grow.

That's why I sometimes look at you with love in my eyes, and smile at you with my heart on my sleeves - because I know I love you. It may be hard to fathom, to have someone who uses the "L" word like it were the most natural thing in the world but - isn't it?

To be honest I don't know why I love this way. I don't try to understand, but I know it's seen me through fights, misunderstandings, prolonged anger and bad attitude. It's helped me see beauty in others, through the rough patches that every relationship goes through.

Because while I love you, I know that I don't have to like you all the time. There is freedom in that. I suddenly know how to love you better, and love you more. Because loving isn't about taking shit, it's about recognising it's shit and taking the appropriate measures to continue in that love, even if it were to be from afar.

But then it's too much to say on the topic, here. It's already Christmas Eve, 2012.

I hope this message will help you experience and love your life and your situation more.


Merry Christmas, folks. God bless you.

---

*which is why we need to be on the same side of heaven.

Conversation: On Butt-Grabs.

Below is a conversation I had with a friend of mine, on the topic of dating and er, ass-grabbery. The conversation below has been blogged with explicit permission.


Cheeky lawyer friend: (after a conversation the previous evening) Did you text Someone about This? Would you mind if I forwarded your message to him to get his view?

Me: Ah, I did, he said it's best to speak via phone. Lovely morning my friend! :)

Cheeky lawyer friend: Cool. Had a good date I gather? 

Me: Had a good day, rather. Great day gaming, then great service at church, then met cute boy - met another cute chap with said cute boy - and was happy. How often does a girl get to go on a "date" with a cute boy and then meet up with a cute friend at the same time? 

Cheeky lawyer friend: Ah. So... anything going on for cute boy yet?

Me: Mmm. No, don't think so. 

Cheeky lawyer friend: Any chance of anything happening?

Me: Yeah, why not. But I'm not sure if it's platonic or dating with this one. It's not entirely clear. Like, I can't tell. They're just very nice lor.

Cheeky lawyer friend: There is no such thing as platonic dating. Grab his butt.

Me: ...what.

Cheeky lawyer friend: Well do something that clears up the doubt. Look deep into his eyes, play with his hair - something.

Me: I... HE IS A NICE CHRISTIAN BOY

Cheeky lawyer friend: Nice Christian boys don't like good looking ladies coming on to them? 

Me: But, but - butt-grabbing! -sweats buckets-

Cheeky lawyer friend: Eh. If you can't imagine being physical with him then he's not the one lor.

Me: Nah, he's a nice chap.

Cheeky lawyer friend: Then?

Me: Well... Can la, but it's not instinctive because he looks ang moh ...also, I'm going to be too busy to do much.

Cheeky lawyer friend: Not sure I'm understanding. If you are too busy then are you not prioritising dating/relationships?

Me: I am, for now. But when I start my studies... : /  not sure how anyone would want a brilliant and funny and beautiful girlfriend who's - not there. 

Cheeky lawyer friend: Ah. Best make your move then - you don't have much time to get your hooks in. 

Me: Er.

Cheeky lawyer friend: I recommend butt-grabbing. 


---

So... yes. I have cheeky friends. Very. Cheeky friends.

On Being Blessed.

It's been an eventful few weeks these recent two weeks.

First I was sent overseas to Indonesia on a media trip for four days, then came back for the weekend - fell ill - but still played the heck out of Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Then I realised that my church camp was on Monday instead of the expected Thursday... and ended up in Malaysia for the next four days.

It felt like reckless living, but somehow I felt alright and functional through the flu and the odd lack of fatigue. It's almost like God was shaking me out and preparing me for the new season up ahead.


...I went for an interview today. I thought it was pretty good. The lady who interviewed me seemed highly capable and will definitely offer firm leadership, and the gentleman present seemed alright. I will learn and contribute a great deal - I sense that it will be demanded of me - but I think I might enjoy the process. I hadn't met the team proper, but I do like that lady interviewer's forthright manner and practical approach, even though she grilled me a bit. Especially when she grilled me a bit, cause that means she's serious about choosing her people.

And now, as I run through the day's events in my mind - I can't help but feel blessed. My clients who became my friends, my colleagues who repeatedly persuaded me to not go but still are supportive of my decisions, my learned (and cheeky) friends who I harass for opinion and who tease me in turn - especially my mentor -

And a certain Mr Sim who's plied me with Vitamin C, eyedrops, flu tabs, chocolates, lent his muscles when I struggled with luggage, sacrificing his sleep cycle so we could speak - this is coming from someone who consistently wakes up at 5:30am every morning. That's like an entirely different timezone altogether.


...I thank God for all of you. The goodwill, the favour, the everything: what have I done right to deserve all this, to be in your presence? The beautiful people, beautiful voices - brilliant minds, the luminous intellects and good humour and awesome wisdom - what have I done right to deserve this favour?

It is only through God's grace that I can ever find such company.


Thank you, my friends. You make my life more colourful, more exciting and so very, very fulfilling. Perhaps I am not eloquent enough, but words at this very moment seem inadequate. I don't know how I can thank you enough for being so beautiful and so lovely just by being yourselves - or if I can ever thank you enough, for that matter.

In a way I'm glad I can't, because that would mean that I can only have goodwill toward you, which in turn means I will love having your company at any given time, that it will be effortless being lovely to you in turn.

Thank you for being so easy to love. Thank you for being so easy to love.

On Roaches On The Roam.

I have a theory. I submit to you that most babies of anything - as long as it doesn't need to go through metamorphosis like the butterfly - are cute. Like the cub of a bear. Or hamsters. Fish fry. The teeny tiny crab baby, maybe.

I have no idea baby roaches can be cute - they are what, 3mm in length? Their feelers are about as long as their bodies. And yes, they are actually cute.

Normal people you can stone me now.

But before you do, I do have to ask - have you SEEN these critters? Like you I dislike roaches of the full-grown variety and will never, ever allow one to be on me - but amazingly, this one was cute. I contend that it's because I am only a temporal passenger in this vessel the insect was thus tolerated. But well.

My reasoning is very simply: roaches cannot live in places they are uncomfortable in. It won't matter if I took one or five home with me - they won't live in well-kept places with food stored well away. They may find another place, but it won't be my home.

...my confidence stems from sonic disruptors I have placed at different places where I live. They repel insects and small animals. I love it cause I can't hear it. I am thus able to afford this blase manner - cause it truly does not matter to me. Sucks to be an insect or a rodent in my home though - it's like living with an alarm, all the damn time.


Yay to technology.