Breeze.

Sometimes, when you don't know what to say, just say nothing: silence is often a choice left not seen, thus not utilised. You don't have to answer every question asked, because what others think is their own business.

Sometimes it is important to recognise when a situation is too much to take or handle, and walking away is the best move there is. Walking away however, does not automatically mean you are washing your hands off the people and the situation. It means you are taking yourself away from distress at that point in time.

Recognise too, when it really is a good time to walk away and stay away. These situations don't tend to happen too often, if at all, but learn to recognise it, there may be times that this is necessary.

Learn to love, both the good and the bad sides of people. Accept them, as much as you can, because most people aren't all bad. There will be people you cannot stand, but that does not necessarily mean that they're bad. You guys just don't mix well, that's all.

Learn to pick your battles, it saves you a lot of trouble and when done well, earns you loads of experience both professionally and personally. Maybe monetarily rewarding too.

Know when to focus on the good, like your life depends on it. Like how some people will focus on the small stuff after a spectacular heartbreak, like focusing on the motion of brushing one's teeth, the actions of showering and toweling oneself dry, the putting on of clothes - so as to keep yourself from cracking while you continue to function amidst this trying time -

Because sometimes it IS like that. Focus on the good, it shows you the beauty of the world. It's so much easier to be satisfied when you see beauty.

Learn to see God in everything. The good, the bad, the plain ugly. Because God, more than being in all of these, He is in you. And because He is in you, you know that you're going to be okay, that everything is going to work out just fine. You can't lose Him, cause He won't lose you.

Hang in there, and ask of God in Jesus's Name, for then it will be done.


Thus, go forth, and conquer.

On Being Blessed.

It's been an eventful few weeks these recent two weeks.

First I was sent overseas to Indonesia on a media trip for four days, then came back for the weekend - fell ill - but still played the heck out of Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Then I realised that my church camp was on Monday instead of the expected Thursday... and ended up in Malaysia for the next four days.

It felt like reckless living, but somehow I felt alright and functional through the flu and the odd lack of fatigue. It's almost like God was shaking me out and preparing me for the new season up ahead.


...I went for an interview today. I thought it was pretty good. The lady who interviewed me seemed highly capable and will definitely offer firm leadership, and the gentleman present seemed alright. I will learn and contribute a great deal - I sense that it will be demanded of me - but I think I might enjoy the process. I hadn't met the team proper, but I do like that lady interviewer's forthright manner and practical approach, even though she grilled me a bit. Especially when she grilled me a bit, cause that means she's serious about choosing her people.

And now, as I run through the day's events in my mind - I can't help but feel blessed. My clients who became my friends, my colleagues who repeatedly persuaded me to not go but still are supportive of my decisions, my learned (and cheeky) friends who I harass for opinion and who tease me in turn - especially my mentor -

And a certain Mr Sim who's plied me with Vitamin C, eyedrops, flu tabs, chocolates, lent his muscles when I struggled with luggage, sacrificing his sleep cycle so we could speak - this is coming from someone who consistently wakes up at 5:30am every morning. That's like an entirely different timezone altogether.


...I thank God for all of you. The goodwill, the favour, the everything: what have I done right to deserve all this, to be in your presence? The beautiful people, beautiful voices - brilliant minds, the luminous intellects and good humour and awesome wisdom - what have I done right to deserve this favour?

It is only through God's grace that I can ever find such company.


Thank you, my friends. You make my life more colourful, more exciting and so very, very fulfilling. Perhaps I am not eloquent enough, but words at this very moment seem inadequate. I don't know how I can thank you enough for being so beautiful and so lovely just by being yourselves - or if I can ever thank you enough, for that matter.

In a way I'm glad I can't, because that would mean that I can only have goodwill toward you, which in turn means I will love having your company at any given time, that it will be effortless being lovely to you in turn.

Thank you for being so easy to love. Thank you for being so easy to love.

Conversation.

And it's time for conversations. The conversation below has been blogged with explicit permission.

Young Friend: Hello. So for the first time in a long time, I am coming to you for help. If you're available, let me know.

Me: Yes..?

Young Friend: This concerns my love life (not a drill).

Me: Okay.

Young Friend: I was given a phone number and a dare from my friend. Basically, the owner of the number believes I dare not text her. Obviously, being me, I manned up and did the deed. 

Fast forward four days.

The girl and I are constantly texting each other as long as we weren't asleep. It then became our first phonecall. She initiated the call. I had to turn her away but she waited till I was free. It was 1 a.m. when I finally got back to her. We chatted till 6.

In the course of the phonecall, we discussed what we texted, and she confessed her feelings to me.

Me: And...? Do you like her?

Young Friend: At this point I did not make any obvious indication that I was looking for a serious relationship. It was casual flirting. Yes. Now here's the question. Do I like her? She's interesting. She's funny. She's extremely into me.

She would cry just because I'm baking cheesecake with another girl.

Me: Right.

Young Friend: Do I want to like her? Yes. Do I actually like her? I dare not. 

But is all this important? I don't know. But the sheer guts of this girl to actually
1) Tell me up over the phone in the shyest voice that she likes me and
2) Told our matchmaker that I was a "good catch". 

Already makes me even more unhinged from my usual self, if we don't even take into consideration her attractiveness.

5th day of all this, we ended up meeting for ice cream. She asked me, while holding hands, if I could date her exclusively. So now Loren. I am seated here, exhausted from an actual run, in hopes of clearing my mind, and already planning to go somewhere alone in town on a Friday to think through everything and it's consequences.

Mainly: is she The One, and, am I willing to let my heart be broken once more.

Please advice.

Me: You're very young. The One is often the person you will be able to love through the charm and love through the curses. It's a decision for two people. She may see you as the one, you may not. Or vice versa. You won't know till you know. Also, it's been only a few days.

Young Friend: Advise* clearly my grammar is out of the window when I'm ruffled.

Me: But, give it a try. Why not? :)

Young Friend: Here's why not: I have had plenty of bad experiences with girls. 

Many of them did many things just to have my heart as a trophy. You'll be surprised at the lack of decency these girls have. I am unwilling to have a part in this. I don't want anymore games. I just want to fuck off from this planet once I hit 35.

And here's why I'm finding it difficult to do: this girl has moved my heart in ways I haven't felt since a long time ago, when I was young and stupid. And now, I have to argue with myself. 

I even decided on a day.


Me: Er.

Young Friend: (Just when I have a cruising bachelor life. This curve ball comes along and ASDFGHJKL it up)

Me: Yeah. Life does that. Love - attraction - happens sometimes, and you never get used to it.

Young Friend: But I don't want to be loved! Neither do I want to love anyone! I do not have time for this... And I don't think I can responsible for another person's feelings, when I can't already deal with mine.

Me: That's why you're still a boy. Take the chances to mature.

Young Friend: This has nothing to do with my maturity (or lack thereof). My decision to not love is based on my lack of belief in that concept.

Me: Then consider the very idea.

Young Friend: It is fundamentally impossible to love another person. Because people are selfish and capable of evil beyond words.

Me: That's not true for everyone.

Young Friend: Saying that we are capable of love is like saying circles are identical to squares. It IS true.

Me: Well, you seem to be asking me to tell you no it's not going to work. Loving isn't just about being loved, or loving. It's also about acceptance and responsibility. Choice. And with it, fear. 

Young Friend: Yes. I probably am. Right now, my mental confusion over considering this girl as a possibility is an outright blasphemy of what I preach. Here I say, love is impossible, yet here I am, wondering if we'd be good for each other. Love is not about responsibility. Don't you see it? Love doesn't exist!

Me: I won't be your argue-mate in this aspect, but... Do consider the idea that sometimes it's better to be merciful than to be right. Likewise, it's better to be happy than to be right. The man of an old couple told me that.

Young Friend: It's a social construct to justify social cohabitation, sex, lust, concern, obsession, etc.

Me: Well, you're putting up with my condescension. Isn't that a manner of love?

Young Friend: Love doesn't exist because it's impossible for another human being to give themselves up for another human being.

Me: Different, and differing degrees. Example: I can love you, but I won't put up with bad behaviour.

Young Friend: No, I'm speaking because, at the end of the day, I'm trying to fulfill my selfish needs. Right now I am asking an answer from you because it's all about me, me, me, me, me

Same with love, people seek it because it's about themselves! Their white knight, their trophy wife, their own future, themselves.

Me: Okay. If it's about you then the answer is, do it. Do it, mess with her, use this, have a grand time.

Young Friend: No. I won't. I am responsible. I am not like the guys you date. Sorry.

Me: Instead, you - ah. Refuse. And hurl hurt! Emotional hot button hello!

Young Friend: I am selfish but I am not without morals - even if the majority do not agree with my morals.

Me: Thus. If you're with morals and decency. Why do you agonise over this? Can you not as easily date her (or not) based on them?


Young Friend: "Here I say, love is impossible, yet here I am, wondering if we'd be good for each other." This.

Me: Look, they're not working now because they aren't relevant. It's a higher tier of reasoning altogether, if I can call it that. Morals and such give you the how-to, but this.

...Yes. This. What you repeated.

Y'know, some things... You can't reason with some things. I know, because I try.

Young Friend: ...I find it embarrassing that I have everything under control, except this. If people come to learn I can be shaken like this, I will be exploited to no end.

Me: Well. Logic is no good here. Give it a shot my young friend. Live the joy, the excitement. Embrace the lows the heartache. 'cause... even when she is The One, there will always still be heartache, accidentally or otherwise. Life is long.

And... About the soft heart - it's not hard to tell. We like you that way. Just wait till you meet some who have lost their hearts and never truly got it back. Cases of fuck-and-go: not hard-hearted. Just don't have one.

Young Friend: I detest this side of me. It's like I learnt nothing from my past.

Me: Haha no, no. You learnt alright. That's why you're unwilling. But every one is different, even you are always changing.

Young Friend: …

Young Friend: So you're saying, she's worth the try?

Me: I'm saying you deserve to try.

Young Friend: Logic > Fear + Pride > The need to be next to a warm body

Me: Attraction > Logic

Young Friend: And I refuse to submit to such primal, uncivilised and illogical constructs. So, Logic > Attraction.

Me: Mm. They war. Most of the time - attraction wins, unless you walk away quickly and stay far far away. But habit triumphs all. When habit is absent, attraction usually wins.

Young Friend: (looks away, looks back) And now I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel.

Me: Me neither. In same situation.

Young Friend: Seriously! What's up?

Me: Whatever you just argued, I'm the girl counterpart. Except there wasn't a struggle I don't think. Heh

Young Friend: I see.

Me: But boo bloody hoo, right? Ships passing in the night: too bad.

Young Friend: But isn't it the girls who go around breaking hearts?

Me: Haha oh, both.

Young Friend: They just sit pretty. Guys pay for stuff, take time out of their ambitions, all that even if you ignore feelings in that equation.

Me: Hahahahah! You have a chick who called you, conned you for ice-cream and told you she likes you. Tables turned?

Young Friend: Let me... Put it into perspective. She's been out of a 18-month relationship for the past few months, still texts her ex.

Me: Ah. This is a rebound. Steer well away. But see what she has to say - everyone deserves a chance to speak, negotiate. Bear in mind also that you both have only known each other for this amount of time. Careful, strongly advising keeping your distance until the view is clearer, but see what she has to say.

---

Thus he calls. 

And does his best, as she does her best. Most of the time we're new at life, in its various stages. We become different people at different stages in life - growth.

The best we can do is, well, to do our best. And through it all, enjoy the people, enjoy the ride.

On Poker and the Could Have Been.

I played poker last night. It's a good few hours like the past two sessions: a hoot and a holler and a barrel of laughs.

I started well, swept a decent hand out of a new addition to the group by virtue of aggressive playing. It felt exactly like how losing didn't, and it was goood. I totally pulled punches, folded when I needed and rode it when I saw I could take the game. Yeahh, it was the beginning of a good night.

I get this game now. 

I was more confident, more sure of myself. I knew I was going to clear someone out when I had a hand I couldn't lose - two high pairs (a King and an Ace) right on the flop and the remaining cards were nothing to shout about (a Seven, a Ten and a Something Else) -

I called and raised, people folded, people called. The pot was big and that hand was mine -

aaaaaaaaaaand... someone had a flush.



---
Poker. Along with everything with people in it, poker is a game of managing others, their perceptions, the cards you're dealt with and the right to play. The stakes make the game worthwhile and, because there were stakes, when I lost my impossible hand, I wasn't just sore, I was sore.

I vowed to kidnap his firstborn child when he finally finds a woman, gets married and has babies.

...on a slightly more serious note however, I understood what made people turn ugly then.

All the bluff and bravado, the laughing off stakes and insults - these are the things that make the game fun and friendly. More often than not, though, money reveals a side of people that is ...well, human. Especially when the stakes get higher and there is a palpable possibility of gain.

Truly, it's only when the stakes are small that these "human mechanisms" are felt and understood, instead of felt and acted upon. Kenny Rogers sang it well.


Kenny Rogers The Gambler Lyrics

Songwriters: HART, LORENZ / RODGERS, RICHARD

On a warm summer's evenin' on a train bound for nowhere,
I met up with the gambler; we were both too tired to sleep.
So we took turns a starin' out the window at the darkness
'Til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, "Son, I've made my life out of readin' people's faces,
And knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
So if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Now Ev'ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
'Cause ev'ry hand's a winner and ev'ry hand's a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

So when he'd finished speakin', he turned back towards the window,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even.
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

And that's how it is.

Watch the crowd. Time the moves, and don't make a move until you need to, even if it's out of turn. Know when to run.

I'm sure you'd run out of aces once or twice in your life, and understood it the hard way, like I had to. 

Some hands were never high, some emotions were never betrayed, some situations, never explained - but pray, for better or worse, that the river is your playing field. For The Lord makes all things good in His time. And if you're lucky you get a player-in-kind who wolfishly plays with you, on your side.

But me, I have no such luck. Yet. :)

Thus... for now I play to not lose. Soon, I'll play to win. 

And I pray my nerves will become steelier. I pray that yours will, too.

---

So I ended the night having bought in twice and I got back slightly less than 50% of my investment*. Which was an improvement, having bought in 3 times the last two games.

And I take Kenny Roger's words to heart.



---

*I got $8.75 back at the end, each buy-in was $10.

Note: Gambling is never a recommended past-time. 
There's a difference between playing for leisure and gambling - if you do play a little too much with stakes that are a little too high - here's help, help, and help.

The Purpose of Having A God...

...is the same purpose as having a boss - to cover you when the waters get choppy.

A God is there to not exactly to Lord over you, but there to guide and grow you. Even forgive you when you've messed up and there's nobody to ask forgiveness from. He's there to love you into wholeness and softness again, especially for those who have grown up rough and tough. Like me.

I can't speak for all religions, but it's true for our Jesus, at least. It's having a Someone More Able above you, who's able to pick up the pieces if you were to make wrong decisions when you didn't know better. I know He's picked my pieces, dusted me off and set me back on my feet, like a toy chicken that's fallen over.

He tells me when things are happening (it's uncanny, but this is another story for another time), and even to not seek vengeance when poop happens. And poop does happen in life, and I got hurt, like how people do get hurt, and got angry, like people get angry after getting hurt. Except vengeance is His*, thank heavens.

***

...I don't know about you, but I used to be a fighter.

"Clinch and bite!"

I fought tooth and nail, I would shoot you every step of the way till there are enough holes to sink your boat, and I'll shoot you some more. I used to win a lot of the time because of my grasp of the language (I was part of the debating team in school). I preferred that my enemies feared me - I didn't care for respect when I had fear, because that was what I knew. That's what my own father knew.

And I kept fighting because... well, because I could and because I was so good at winning. The downside was that I had few friends. Which was alright then because well, a few friends was all I needed.

Now, I still only need a few friends, but I no longer prized fear over respect, because I know now I don't have to win. I can still win if I wanted to, or at least give you a darn good fight or cause a pretty ripple in the system - but fact is - since when does fighting win you friends? It alienates them, when you prove them wrong just for the sake of proving your self-perceived superiority, all you would have won is self-earned assholery.

I know you know the world doesn't work like a nicely orchestrated musical box: it's a big bad world out there, full of sharks. But don't you see, there will always be sharks, even in the smaller pools - and I don't want to be one. They're ugly.

Maybe you're like me, not wanting nor liking to fight, but doing so because you have to.

Except you don't. Not entirely, at least. The world is a mobile place, and having a God like Jesus... well, it makes everything easier. He keeps me out of situations I'm not ready for, and grows and moulds me where I am (read: Holy tough love). Even the hard times are easier when I worship Him with song, and talk to Him about my issues and my pains.

That is the reason why I get people telling me, hey, you're always so positive. To which I'd smile and say, yeah. I'm not, really, but having a Friend who listens to your troubles, teaches you what to do, and actually makes things happen - it's like having a CEO for a best pal when you're the mail boy.

So... what is the purpose of having a God?

"Get to the point, cowboy."

To tell you what on earth you're here for, of course. You don't think "making do" is the sole purpose of your life, do you? :)

FYI, "mail boy" is not the only role there is in The Company that is the world.

Being a mail boy gives you humility, helps you see how some people are, how some things work. In the company there's the Executive. The Salesperson. The Manager. The Finance Person. There's the HR Manager. The Marketing Chap. The Janitor: similar role to the Manager and the CEO - both clean up poop, just on different levels - so many levels, so many roles.

No, you're not just a "mail boy", and there's more to life than just "making do". There is progression.

...the bible tells us that we're meant to be lights to the world, and we're to be on pedestals to illuminate. The darker it is, the scarier it is to shine, but the brighter the light shines through us.

Thus. The purpose of having a God, is to know what on earth you're here for. Then doing it.

---

*Saith the bible (Romans 12:19, Deutronomy 32-35 and 1 Samuel 26:11).

Things Yew Never Knew.

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