Morbid Wabbit, Funny Bunny.

This morning, I watched my drummer friend perform on on the cajon the stripped-down stage in church. The way he played was full of easy experienced grace - you know a person can perform in his sleep with that kind of grace.

I watched his professional, careless drumming, his own watching of the audience, observed his funny-strange eyebrows while he tap-tapped on the boxy instrument and I sang the carols, and thought - what if I died tomorrow?

What if I died tomorrow, and I can't see my friends anymore? The people I sing, play poker, joke, laugh and be grouchy with - the people I so love but can't tell, because it'd just be weird.

I peered at my other friend behind the keyboards shimmering the notes into a cocky, jazzy tune.

I considered the friends I know are sitting in church but can't see, and the people outside of this church who I also can't see, all of whom I love.

What if I really cannot see them anymore?

Since my schooling days I would tell my friends I love them and once in a while, tell them it's lovely having them with me. Of course, they would accuse me of being "transient" - with air quotes - and I would smile a half-smile. But isn't that real? Nothing lasts forever: not looks, not health, not me, not you - except it's not transcience: it's forever. We are but a speck in that big, vast river of time that is forever, aren't we?

I'd be here today and gone tomorrow, and these words I now write may well be the very last words I write to you.

...it is precisely because of this that I decided to fully experience the full three years I had in college. It was a deliberate decision and took constant awareness to be in the situation and feel the process. It was good at times, bad in some, but I always felt joyous that I could be there at that moment to just take, and grow. It was only three years, but I knew I will never pass that way again.

And I haven't, since.

--

People sometimes say things like "you haven't truly lived until you've [leapt off a plane/watched Superbowl live/been to Vegas]."

I think that one hasn't truly lived, when one hasn't smelt the air, felt the wind, eyed the golden dust motes in the sunlight and walked the marble/garden/concrete/parquet that has already been given to you. Ostentatiously given, to you. You could be at frontline of the Superbowl and you'd've missed it all.

And you haven't truly lived if you haven't enjoyed the people who hurried past you, ate near you, read near you, laughed, cried, argued, fought - with, at, against you.

All of this.

What if you suddenly have to go to a better Elsewhere with the best Someone and can't take your phone with you?

I know I'd be excited to leave, but I know I'll miss you.

...if I were to go before you do, know, please, that I'll be preparing your ascent with confetti, a whole heaven of confetti for your arrival*. I want you to know that I have enjoyed your presence and company, your part and path in my life, even if you have done me wrong, because you helped me grow.

That's why I sometimes look at you with love in my eyes, and smile at you with my heart on my sleeves - because I know I love you. It may be hard to fathom, to have someone who uses the "L" word like it were the most natural thing in the world but - isn't it?

To be honest I don't know why I love this way. I don't try to understand, but I know it's seen me through fights, misunderstandings, prolonged anger and bad attitude. It's helped me see beauty in others, through the rough patches that every relationship goes through.

Because while I love you, I know that I don't have to like you all the time. There is freedom in that. I suddenly know how to love you better, and love you more. Because loving isn't about taking shit, it's about recognising it's shit and taking the appropriate measures to continue in that love, even if it were to be from afar.

But then it's too much to say on the topic, here. It's already Christmas Eve, 2012.

I hope this message will help you experience and love your life and your situation more.


Merry Christmas, folks. God bless you.

---

*which is why we need to be on the same side of heaven.