Somethin' Awful.

Something awful happened today.

I felt the now-familiar sting of insecurity and fear - then chose stupidly to confide in Someone Close about it. For reasons unknown to me, said Someone Close blew his top and that added yet another layer of unhappiness between us.

Another layer of silence, accompanied by the withdrawal of affection.


Perhaps I would speak about this merrily in the future, but I do know that regardless of what happens, God is in control.

Things happen or don't happen for a reason, He certainly does not owe me explanations. Indeed, the only explanation I need is already spoken: He loves me and that He will not give me more than I can bear.

Now, this something awful...


...is the realisation that I can be hurt (surprise surprise!) and that I am emotionally invested in this Someone Close. The biggest one was that I felt helpless!

It was terrifying - especially so when you're already in fear and the person you were confiding in thrusts you away from him, leaving you in shock and heartache...

He's not usually like that. I have to say that again: Someone Close is not usually like that.



He very probably didn't know how to read my words and thought they were accusations. Now.

God has it in control. Perhaps it's nigh time for me to be less insecure (don't ask me how you can will it away) but I do know that this blessed Sunday has been terrifying. I will know the point of it one day, that all this will become something good and I will be stronger, wiser. I pray that when I realise that, I already would have been stronger and wiser.

Meanwhile, since I've always prided myself to be full of gracious and loving words... let me continue to praise.

This somethin' awful... well, all Christians have this in the promise: all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.

I'm glad my God is loving, my God is good. I am part of His beloved flock, I know He has set me apart. Praise God, for it takes love to bend a stubborn ear.

I only pray, God, please hold me close. I am fearful and I need Your perfect love.

Brothers and sisters, please pray for me.