I'd just realised I'd been a selfish fiancee and a byatch - what's more troubling is that: I felt it is rather suitable my self-important and chauvinistic a*hole of a fiance.
I had not been the loving, forgiving, quietly confident, gracious and graceful person I thought I was, looking like this:
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Instead, I was a virago - too soon! I expected myself to be soft and loving, understanding and patient - alas.
Legitimate reasons for being a byatch aside - I feel that while there is only so much heckling a person should take, it remains one's personal responsibility to know when enough is enough and leave ugliness to whirlwind and die a natural death.
(Note that the above focusses on ugliness, including mine.)
Thus I'd researched on how to have an easier time with your significant other as well as my own contribution to being more agreeable, regardless of circumstance.
Some articles advocate looking out for certain qualities in the other person (in this case it recommends responsiveness), internet posters say that we have to be the right person before we can hold on to the right person - and yet others say that you never meet the right one at all.
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| Well, shit. |
Well then.
I agree with all three ideas except I feel that there is no Right One, but Suitable Ones.
A Suitable One challenges you the way you need to be challenged and supports you the way you need to be supported, because support is love.
Because people tend to get hurt anyway, especially in romantic relationships, the need to "look out for myself, because you certainly aren't" suddenly becomes a priority.
This phenomenon is, and can be caused by, what I call the Snail Poke.
The snail gets poked, but to the snail, it has been hit, by an unknown force that shook its entire shell and security and direction. If it had a voice it would have yelped before retreating back into its shell.
Too much of this poke-poking and the snail realises that it is dangerous territory and prefers to hide instead. Or it would heck it and try to run away - this is when it realises that staying in its shell and staying put is no longer of help.
We are in a way like that, because we often choose to stick around despite the poking* and think that things will get better. Truth is: it rarely does - because people are creatures of habit, and a large number of people get resentful (strangely) when you tell them a certain habit of theirs is hurting you.
We therefore get a lot of snails hiding in a lot of shells, not talking to each other and wondering if it would ever get less scary to be near the other person.
Truth is, truth is - we're all suitable for each other if we just learnt to be more loving (read: supportive) to each other.
It strongly depends on how supportive you are, because if one party is always supportive and the other's just being supported, sooner or later it breaks apart. A relationship is a two-way thing. It could be a parent derives pleasure from taking care of a child, or it could be a student pleasing a mentor with his intellect and taught knowledge - there is an exchange somewhere for a relationship to take place.
Intellectual and psychological arguments aside, when both parties are supportive enough however, the worst bits^ of being in a relationship tend to still bearable and suitably not abusive.
Thus... I hope, for myself, that I dare come back out of my shell enough to love and support my fiancee more than how I did when we first met. That is on my side, and my side only. A good partner will receive and reciprocate.
This is where I want to be:
So then, let it start with me.
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*If "poking" results in prolonged sadness, sense of worthlessness, depression, anger, bruises, erosion of self-esteem or self-destructive or suicidal thoughts, talk to a trusted elder or a counsellor!
^"Worst bits" do not include physical altercation, criminal intimidation, unlawful detention - humans can take a lot of abuse, but do not allow your physical self, your mental and emotional well-being to be taken down.
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