Out of five couples whose weddings I turned up for, 3 had already called it quits. Plus another 4 couples whose weddings I did not attend - that adds up to a pretty scary percentage of marital dissolution. Young couples, people whom we envied when they got hitched, wondering when it would be our turn -
It is not to say that they are not enviable; they are. They still are. They still are beautiful, wonderful, inherently good people, who possibly did not know what a certain contract meant. It is a little like Software Licence Agreements, isn't it? We didn't know. Possibly still don't, unless you're a lawyer, or have been already bitten and paid your dues.
Marriage, fortunately and unfortunately, is meant to glue two people together with each party hoping that there is someone honourable on the other end. Sometimes we hope to get away with our little quirks and dalliances, not really understanding that ...every quirk and dalliance can and must be satisfied within the marriage. You should have married the best, and when you marry, you have married the best. Let your eyes see no other attraction, because your spouse is your attraction.
Who can bear such a weight, when even an institution based on the premise of promise (tongue-twister score) these days mean so little?
Does it, though? Do promises mean so little, I mean?
No.
It means a lot. A heck of a lot. That's why people are commitment-phobic, some because of the gravity of marriage, some because of the fear of betrayal, some due to the whole thing being so fragile. If it didn't matter, people wouldn't be afraid. It would be like deciding between this loaf of bread and the other, wouldn't it? It doesn't matter anyway.
The gravity of marriage is why people sometimes say, "I will never get married again."
That's the good news.
Promises still do matter, even to those who say they aren't ever getting married again. Especially those. Maybe you are one of them.
Sometimes... in fact, a lot of the time... promises get broken despite the best of intentions. You've done it, I've done it.
People make mistakes, maybe he said yes when it should have been a no, maybe she took a step towards civility and instead slipped down slopes of attraction, one innocent coffee led to another and hey - entanglement. Entrapment, sometimes - and because it is fruit stolen and eaten in secret, they could not have told you, because it was stolen kisses, stolen time, stolen secrecy, which cost you, the innocent one, the security of their integrity. Which is the currency for confidence and peace, companionship and trust. Honour, too.
Which they were afraid for you to lose. Because it meant something. It still does, I am dead sure.
They treasured it, but perhaps did not know how.
Or perhaps it was you who tested the proverbial waters, knowing - too late - that those waters, once tasted, renders the water at home a lessened kind of sweet?
How are you not broken, by broken promises, your own and otherwise?
Worse, if you worked so hard to be whole and held yourself dearly, only to be broken by someone who could have... just... not done it? How do you not shatter? Did the other person shatter? Who deserved it more? Can you mend yourself? Can the other person? Do you want to mend?
So many questions that weren't asked until the shattering happens. We couldn't have known. Often, the person who shatters won't know that he/she is it. It could have been you who did the shattering.
Truth is, every marriage will go through shattering. Just different times, in different ways. Ask any successful couple. As in, those who are still together, and happily so. They would have experienced their own shatterings.
Some shatterings are business in nature, some social, some financial, some familial, some sexual and yet some, are mental, emotional, spiritual. Even geographical.
If you are going through soul-ripping shattering... I am sorry for your pain. Please know that these are not in vain.
...truth is, sometimes with our spouses, or significant others, we just aren't friends enough to forgive, and that it's an exchange. Me for you, and you for me - when in actual fact it does not quite work that way. There requires two - and only two - players in this game. One will be stronger at some areas and the other person, in other areas. Together you should be able to ford through life's mountains and seas.
I call it game because it is supposed to be fun, that and games often show you who you are when you are doing very well, and when you aren't doing very well. You're supposed to still like each other at the end of it, and go on many adventures together. The game often ends when someone cheats, or when someone leaves, then you start again.
How do you emerge victorious? It isn't dependent on how many games were won, but on how much time you spent looking forward to your spouse, and your spouse looking forward to you. Know and be known, right?
All in all... Life happens. Please go easy on yourself... like how you sometimes go easy on your niece or nephew or your cat, even when they mess up. It is okay to start again. Forgive - him, her, them - let go.
Because they kewt. Like you. Giv chance and forgive plz.
...it is okay to start again.
---
*I may know you, I may not, and if you were to need a friend or a listening stranger, do call Samaritans of Singapore if you are in Singapore.
Please do not think that you must have hit rock bottom to use these helplines.
I've called them on some occasions when, for all of my popularity, there wasn't a soul to be reached. I called the helplines then and I was glad I did. I only needed a listening ear, to not be told that I could have done this, or that, and I could have taken it a while more, and I could have held something precious together -
I needed a human, who just listens; I found that with the helpline. You can too, if you wanted a listening someone at the end of the line, just so the night isn't so loud with solitude.
Their direct number is 1800 221 4444
No comments:
Post a Comment