On Excellence and Distractions and Focus.

I used to think that people with families - their lives and ambitions are over. What can they achieve with a child or two in tow? With a spouse they'd be distracted - happy, accompanied - but distracted.

How will they achieve great things?


But... having seen my little niece, I think I'm beginning to understand. These people you call family, they are unreasonable reasons that you have to do your best. You can't help but want to do your best, because you adore them. Excellence is suddenly a necessity, because you want to give them your best - and you can't give our best when you're not.. well, better that now.

It's almost like how a flowering bud grows and blossoms and dies - just so they may bear that fruit. And the plant forces forth young leaves that reach and caress and spread, growing, hungry, just so that fruit may be beautiful.

It's not an easy thing to go through, but it is beautiful and brings such joy, knowing that I don't need to be Numero Uno in everyone's eyes, I just need to be Numero Uno in His eyes. I am Numero Uno in God's eyes. Also my mother's eyes, and that's important: I like them.

I, similar to you perhaps, want the reasons that makes all other reasons invalid. The living breathing reasons who will make it all worthwhile. I want my pursuit of excellence to be sweeter than anything I've ever tasted, because it's shared with the ones who blow every other reason out of the water.


....I went on a date earlier this evening. With a nice young man, yes, said civil servant. It made me know that my presence and company are appreciated and liked. The smiles were easy, the conversation still a bit shy. Could this be the beginning of my "reasons"?

But I'm not ready for this. I am so not ready for this.

I was supposed to speak with another young friend and trade notes about our past experiences. I wanted to ask him about his dreams, how he envisions his future to be - perhaps that will give me better words to describe my own planned future with. He is young and hungry like me - but, perhaps he has forgotten of our promise to chat.

It is alright however, I think I shall plumb the depths of the mind of Rainer, instead. He has, after all, had a privileged view. And German, too.

He will tell me what I want to know, perhaps still through the entangled understanding of egos and misunderstood intentions. But I will ask, and he will tell me - and I will know if he ever knew he was going to climb to where he climbed to, and undertook what he had undertaken.

Did he have the youthful naivete that I have, or was he already a hard-nosed deal-maker at my age? What did he do, or not do, that took him to where he is today? Importantly, I will have to consider if I like him. More importantly, I have to ask him if he likes himself.

I will ask him, and he will tell me. It won't be the truth, but I will wait, and ask him again.


Already, I look forward to the coming Friday.