i discovered i had a temper and that i bear grudges a few days back - and i was appalled and a little surprised at my actual capacity to be this way. i always knew that i had it in me to be cruel and amazingly creative ways to be so - but i also knew i did not want to be like my father.
i just did not know how much of my father i have in me till - well, until i prayed for it.
or more accurately, i prayed for blindspots to be revealed so i can grow and be more Christ-like.
thus. (God is good, here - He's timed some things here so nobody gets shocked out of his skin)
once i had gotten used to the pattern of smaller blindspots being revealed, the twin issues of bearing grudges and being very ready to fight came up. this combination is slightly tricky as, if i were to be this ready to fight, it will ultimately result in a "win the battle lose the war" situation because the only thing i would become is quarrelsome?
i would win arguments about why you're wrong for sure - i was an active member of the school debate team and if i can't out-argue you i can still flog a dead horse till it's mince, being a bitch an' all - but you won't like me very much because i would have become the woman the bible's talking about - a virago. not good.
so if i let go of the fight and still bear the grudge, thus poisoning my world with bad opinions of others... that's like making a fart in an air-conditioned room - my air-conditioned room.
why create such unpleasant atmospheres over morons? they're not that precious, are they? morons rarely are.
my good standing with God in exchange for idiots - no deal.
so the answer to such a discovery?
this: when morons ruin your day with their lack of grace, boorishness, facetiousness, arrogance, et cetera, remember that you were once blind/a moron/two-faced or all three, all at once, too.
once you understand that you were once like that, it instantly becomes easier to forgive. it also shows you how you would love that person, which is an example of Christ's love shining through you.
if you still don't understand why anyone would behave that particular way, you may of course still complain to The Lord.
you may ask for vengeance, you may pray for a transfer, heck - even ask to have that byatch turned into a frog so she can't have puppies -
in fact, i'd encourage you to spew all the venom you have to spew at this point because you should be able to tell Him what exactly what you want, exactly what you wish to see happen, exactly how you want that offensive scraping of pondscum-and-worm-poop to be smeared across different grades of cheese graters - and know that He will still love you. yes, even after displaying all of that ugliness that you have within you.
know that He is able to take your anger, venom, all of the pettiness (if -cough- any) and still love you. He will not think you any less because you have ugliness in you, He will not draw away from you because of disgust - He will be constant, and He knows how to minister to you.
...but seriously. i am not advocating vengefulness, for The Lord says "vengeance is Mine" (romans 12:19, hebrews 10:30).
what i am saying, is that take it all to The Lord. He knows how to deal with it and heal you.
perhaps like Martha you need logic. or perhaps like Mary you need someone to weep with when a tragedy happens. and perhaps like Lazarus you need to be resurrected.
truth is, He knows how to minister to you, and you need to trust in that.
and everyone knows that you'll feel better after unleashing the H-bomb to Him, and you can continue to do your thang after that, with healthier blood pressure too.
thus. do not be a fart, and in the wise words of yoda: do or do not, there is no try. may The Lord be with you.
peace out.
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