loving with understanding

sometimes it's knowing what makes a person happy that allows you to love that person fully.

that's how you should love people: through understanding. because it's useless if the person you love doesn't understand (read: feel) the love. i don't claim to know how everyone understands love, but it is important to try to understand how it may be like for the other person.

if a person needs a challenge, give him a challenge. if a person needs to be held, hold her. if a person needs slow patience, give that person slow patience. that's love.

like for my mother. i love her by calling from work, visiting when i can and when i do visit, i make it a point to demand that she makes my favourite dish (the fried rice only she has the magic to make) along with hot prenjak.

prenjak (an indonesian tea) is ridiculously fragrant, with a lingering aftertaste. i used to tell my cousins when i lived with them in australia, that if the world upended itself on me the fastest way to make everything alright again is to give me a steaming cup of prenjak with two sugars.

..and it's just magic when it's with her.

so i demand - not request, demand - that she makes lunch (or whatever meal it is) and then propose that she abandon all plans for the day and spend it gallivanting with me. most of the time she agrees, and when she doesn't, i pretend to have twisted my ankle, have a headache, or be suddenly struck by any combination of physical ailment that could persuade her to stay home and take care of her daughter.

it is usually then when she gives up and expects me to miraculously recover - which i do.

then i'd carry on to harass her while she goes about making the lunch i had harangued her into making, like stealing peas and bits of carrot while she chops them. or offering to chop the onions for her then complaining, of simply just taking up space in the kitchen. i would, of course, invariably get kicked out of the kitchen by my aunt, who would often be there.

"here," she would say while handing me some crockery. "go lay the table. or something!"

and i would. and both aunt and mother will feel that yeah, it is indeed her, and she has returned.

and here's the thing, see. the whole purpose of this harassment and teasing is something she understands/recognises. the key is to understand how someone understands the world.

one more thing is that love doesn't stop because a friendship/relationship's failed or misunderstood.

love carries on. it strengthens and strives to understand. the more it understands the gentler it gets and the gentler it gets the stronger it becomes, and when it becomes stronger you too become stronger. it gives you enough strength to let go, to take the hit, to apologise even, knowing that the person you're loving will be happier for it. it evolves, and then you evolve.

the only reason why people fear love is because of the anger, the pain of separation. but love. keep loving.

don't believe me? show kindness to someone when you're hurting. you feel better. so in a way when you love others you're loving yourself.

the bible's right: love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment -

love isn't about punishment. it never was. understanding gives birth to patience, kindness. with patience and

kindness loving someone will no longer be scary.

thus. may you love without fear, and love with all of your self so that you too can be without fear.